βIβm sorryβ:
0:00πβββββββ0:06
β» β² β ‘ β³ βΊ
volume: β 5%β…butβ:
0:00πββββββββ70:28:54
β» β² β ‘ β³ βΊ
volume: βββββ ββ 100%
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My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so Iβm not sure that generation was much different tbh
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but youβve just finished so you say something like: Iβm done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they donβt call your bluff
Iβve heard parents say they donβt enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommyβs coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommyβs water gets to be my favorite for the day
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like βim pickle rick.β funniest shit ive ever heard
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS βNSFW SLIM JIMβ β DO NOT CLICK IT β IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but canβt mask the 6 years production gap
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
βOnlyPamsβ: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancΓ©βs for quirky co-workers.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Angry like someone whoβs gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you