I’m sorry…what?
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“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.