I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
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When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.