I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
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Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Sing it!
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.