Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

🤣🤣

I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.

me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad

wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?

Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-

Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse