I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
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The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
🙋♀️
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I’ve been learning to cook.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?