I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
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[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
going to the ER y’all need anything
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.