I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
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Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival