I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
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Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
How funny!
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.