I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
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No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
adding to the discourse
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”