I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
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Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”