I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
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My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Care for your back
Interior design 👌
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Sunday
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Every haunted house movie:
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.