I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
You Might Also Like
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
waiting for halloween be like:
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
At what age should you put the tonsils back in