I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
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I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
I’m not lazy
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.