im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
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My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names