I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
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Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I’m not wrong
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.