I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
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[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Important
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days