I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
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HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.