I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
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[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Running from your problems is cardio .