I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
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me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Yoga Matt
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??