I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
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I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
There is no “we” in chocolate.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings