@GuyThe_Guy

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

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@ilovepie84

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

@TheCatWhisprer

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

@greenmartinis

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

@

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

@sweetmomissa

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

@12poundbass

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

@CatherineLMK

An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.

@MoistPork

Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.

@daemonic3

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents