This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
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If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents