I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
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[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.