I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
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Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
no one ever comes back
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE