I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
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*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Friday
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”