I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
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instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I鈥檓 nailing this healthy lifestyle
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You鈥檙e scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don鈥檛 want them to jump on you.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there鈥檚 a line for it.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle鈥檚 funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can鈥檛 make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they鈥檙e ready
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they鈥檙e dating is trash without consequences.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone鈥檚 mouth.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 馃鈿★笍
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Insomnia is just your brain鈥檚 way of telling you it鈥檚 secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I鈥檒l be married by 30 (I鈥檓 41 for context)
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts