I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
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#damn
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?