I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
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If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Guantanamo Bae
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME