“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
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They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
me logging onto twitter
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.