I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
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My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Everything reminds me of my ex
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?