@ChrisThayerSays

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

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@truegritrumble

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

@murrman5

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

@SvnSxty

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

@Inconsteveable

Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”

@dreamthievin

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

@PaperWash

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

@Phlegmingway

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

@kalmooha

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.