PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
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i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.