I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
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I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
I love art.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut