I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
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A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
channeling her this year
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
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if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet