I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
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Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Self-cleaning conscience
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Hero horse inspires millions
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.