I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
You Might Also Like
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
#math
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family