I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
You Might Also Like
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I think I’ll stand