I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
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The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
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If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Lmfao
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Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.