@Kyle_Lippert I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
@UncleDuke1969 [murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
@jordan_stratton Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
@iAmDelFreaky Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
@handsforkeys Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
@Spaziotwat I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
@chrisscarlette “just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
@poutinesmoothie Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
@thats_a_morey What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
@OllyiConic i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
@roggyie If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.