DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
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Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.