@Kyle_Lippert

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

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@UncleDuke1969

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

@jordan_stratton

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

@iAmDelFreaky

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

@handsforkeys

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

@chrisscarlette

“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago

@poutinesmoothie

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

@thats_a_morey

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

@OllyiConic

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

@roggyie

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.