I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
You Might Also Like
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I can also cook 😂
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶