I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
You Might Also Like
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker