I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
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Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Everything reminds me of my ex
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!