I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
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If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist