@IamEveryDayPpl It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
@aveuaskew I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
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@IamEveryDayPpl 
@wolfpupy “i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
@Cornjerker78 Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
@onion_an Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
@ExLife_Coach The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
@ilovepie84 “This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
@AmericanGent69 When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
@harambevan My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
@reallifemommy3 When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
@Playing_Dad Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?