@aveuaskew

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

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@IamEveryDayPpl

It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…

@wolfpupy

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

@Cornjerker78

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

@onion_an

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

@ilovepie84

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

@AmericanGent69

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

@harambevan

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

@Playing_Dad

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?