I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
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Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.