I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
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My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?