Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
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Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?
[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.