I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
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Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Wake me when AI does housework
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine