I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
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I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
yall want some gasoline milk
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava