@jordan_stratton [boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
@lacybronze1 I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
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@jordan_stratton 
@sweatheartmoony [There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
@djdarrellripley Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
@Love_bug1016 i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
@toomanycommas3 No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
@BDublicious I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
@SortaBad How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
@amburgklur I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
@atanenhaus Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
@iwearaonesie *turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3