I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
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I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears