I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
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I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me