I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

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Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring


I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.


My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.


[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.


When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.


4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?


DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city


My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.


“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.


Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.