I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
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My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.