I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
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“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Stop sending me this shit.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”