“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
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I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
you know what ruined my childhood? children
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold