i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
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I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.