Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes

what my dog hears: goodbye forever

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me

Therapist: That’s where I can help

Me: Great

Therapist: They don’t

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!

Boss:…

*our eyes lock and we kiss*

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

Saint West, the patron of selfies

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?

Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL

Snake: *bites me*

(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.